Why is it that I write like I do? What is it that is inside of me and needs to spring out? Why can't I write at will? Why do I have to wait until I have a start-off sentence, or a title? Why can't I sit down and plan ahead as to what I am going to write?
For the last week I have been scatching around in my head trying to find something to write about for 'Snippets', my other blog. Nothing. Zilch. Empty. No words to be had anywhere in my head.
And then this morning the words posted themselves in: 'Hesitatingly stepping forward'. Having learnt in the past to act as quickly as possible and not allow myself to become diverted by other things, I managed to get the words written. But instead of feeling on top of the world because I had updated the blog, all I am left with is a feeling of....., well, .... almost of being frightened. What is this strange thing which makes me write? What is the driver? And why when the words are coming out do I feel engaged with a part of me which seems do be so different to my day to day self?
Also, if I don't write, then the days in between are not so good. I feel dull. Mentally devoid of energy. But when I do have the word flow it gives energy to my day.
It is not easy being a writer, a creator of words. And I don't even dare to think of myself as being clever, or gifted, or a better writer than everyone else. Therefore I really, really, do feel uncomfortable with the surge of words that come out. When they do. And I feel just as uncomfortable when the surge is not happening.
Why is this?
But one thing: I wouldn't change this. I wouldn't want it not to happen.
So: does this mean that I am a 'natural' writer? Or does it mean I lack discipline?
Or perhaps I should just be happy that I have times of word-flow, and be patient when I don't.
Or perhaps I should be less examining of myself, and say 'This is how it is for me' and accept that sometimes I can write, and sometimes I can't.
Anyway, thanks for listening, or rather 'reading'. It helps to talk things through sometimes.
I think that you think about things too much. You should accept the fact that you are a good writer and the muse comes when it comes - never chase it - it will elude you
ReplyDeleteThankyou for your comments, FF. You are right, I do think about things too much, but then if I didn't I wouldn't have evolved into the person I am today, who I quite like and enjoy being with.
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